26 November 2013


I have this YouTube account that I have had for several years now and never really did anything with. I'm working on organizing it so that I can maybe start making some videos and uploading on a somewhat-regular basis (AKA when I feel like it). I already have three miscellaneous videos on my channel (and a fourth on the way), but I don't really make anything special. They're mainly silly little spontaneous videos for the time being.

I'm thinking about doing some videos with my art, maybe some of my drawing process, or some such things as that. I don't know for sure.

Anyway, here is my YouTube channel if you want to check it out: Nikki Firestarter on YouTube.


22 November 2013

Okay, you know what, I'm done.

For the past couple/few years of my life, I've been having a particularly difficult time making friends. I've always had a difficult time, but particularly in the recent years. My life is honestly coming down to the point where the very few people who bother talking to me are -- 99% of the time -- just guys wanting to win me over and have me as their own. As soon as they find out they can't have me or that I have a boyfriend, they run off and never talk to me again. This has been happening far too often over the past few years of my life. It's stupid.

For real.
I'm tired of being expected to be everyone's everything. Just because you think you're the nicest, strongest, best looking, etc. guy in the world, that does not give you any right to claim me as your property, as if for some reason you deserve me any more than anyone else on this Earth.
You also have to understand that not only are you not the only living, breathing man on Earth, but I am also not the only woman.

When you make it clear to a person that you're interested in being friends with them, it is not fair in the least to have some secret ulterior motive to get with them, and then just bail from their life when you come to realize that is beyond your reach.
Okay, that whole "I like you, but I just want to be friends" thing. THAT IS NOT MISLEADING. It is very straightforward. What part of I. JUST. WANT. TO. BE. FRIENDS. can't people seem to understand???

You can't just do that whole mind game, "I would love to be your friend but secretly I really want your nuts and if I can't get that then you are worthless to me" bullshit. Especially to someone who has a hard enough time making friends the way it is. Sheesh.
I think the reason why I don't approach people myself and try to make friends that way, is because for some reason every time I do, while I'm talking to some guy who I believe would make a good friend, and I'm being fun and friendly as I am, everyone always seems to take it as me being interested in them beyond a friendly manner. This is probably due to my highly creepish nature, but I can't change that! How is this predetermined judgement toward me really fair at all?
All faults aside, even if I do come off as "interested" in action, as I am terrible at body language because I am awkward and clumsy and just don't know how to control my movements very acceptably, I am however very articulate and clear verbally what I do and do not want. SO IF I TELL YOU I'M NOT INTERESTED IN BEING YOUR WOMAN PUPPET, THAT MEANS I AM NOT.

I don't care what other girls are like. I don't care that you think 99% of women existing say one thing and mean another. I. am. not. those. people. I'm not every other girl, and judging me by your past experiences with girls is not fair. (The same concept applies toward women judging guys based on their past relationship experiences as well, but this is about me and not them, so there.)

I don't know what to tell you, guys. I can't possibly put this any more clearly. It's simple, really. 

The thing about Ty and I, how we just got back together on Halloween this year, and suddenly half my friends are offended and just are not talking to me ever again (and funny how they all happen to be guys)...

Ty and I have been together loosely for three years now. We were together for 2 years and 8 months before I broke up with him. We were then apart for 10 months before we got back together just recently. Six of those 10 months, I was in a relationship with some guy. After breaking up with him, I was seeing Ty quite frequently for the 4 months leading up to us getting back together. Of course, on the surface I had not intended on getting back together with Ty.

We had a connection from the beginning, though; we were always just comfortable and happy around one another. I went back to him for comfort and during that time, more and more, I started to see how stupid I was for just throwing it all away. I also realized that it wasn't fair to Colin to dive into a relationship with him, considering the fact that I could not get over Ty.

You see, there's a lot more that goes into love, relationships, dating, whatever, than just being a nice guy, or a nice gal. There's something much deeper that you either have or don't have with a person. Yeah, that whole chemistry nonsense. Some people just fit and work together. There's plenty of nice guys and nice girls out there, but that doesn't mean they're all going to fit together. People aren't all interchangeable like that. And some people need to fucking get a grip on reality and figure this shit out. FOR FUCK SAKE.

So, I'm sorry for barfing out all this nonsense at all of you, but I just need
to get this out there -- not only to get it off my chest, but also because some people just need to fucking learn that they can't just get everything they want in life, including the people around them. 

Now, to be clear, I do not regret losing anybody over the fact that I am happy with the man I have. Those people obviously were not worth my time, anyway. Besides, my policy is that if I'm not good enough to be your friend based on the fact that I won't be your loverwoman, then you're not good enough to be my friend, and you sure as hell wouldn't have been good enough to consider as a boyfriend. Soooo, suck on a cactus. *snaps*


14 May 2013

'Do You Draw Anime?'

Stop. Please.

I was asked this the other day, and at first I was taken off guard by the question and didn't quite realize why at first.

Then it hit me.
Like a train.

She asked if I draw anime.

I suppose the reason I didn't first realize why her question sent a chill down my spine, was because it immediately sent me into a self-reflection of my personal artistic growth and stylistic development.

As a matter of fact, as I have grown and developed more of a social sense of self, I actually started to veer away from drawing in *manga style. It's for a lot of different reasons, but certainly not because I look down upon the style in any sense, I assure you. Over all, it just really not my cup of tea in terms of self-expression.

I've changed drastically in my short 19 years of existence. In my younger years, I drew a lot of inspiration from cartoons. I loved them, and I still do. I drew a lot of Pokemon and Spongebob, and just familiar things from cartoons like that. I drew everywhere, on everything, and I still do. Though, a lot of things I kept to myself. I wasn't very outward with my art as a kid. I would sit and draw Pokemon and such with kids at daycare and school, but at home I would draw my feelings, and I kept those hidden.

In middle school, I started meeting other people who were into anime, and I was pretty into it by then myself. I started drawing a lot of characters from anime shows, and a lot of random things in manga style in notebooks (before I finally started buying sketchbooks around 8th grade). I began to open up with my art, and I started to feel more confident in letting people see more of my stuff.

Self-expression was always something I struggled with when I was younger, as well as finding an identity for myself. I was a very shy child. As I grew out of my shell more and began to develop more of an identity of my own, I began to also develop more of a personal artistic flavor. I guess this concept isn't one that I can explain very clearly, I can say that I've noticed a lot of people can pick out a piece of mine in a crowd with pretty easy precision.

The manga style of my previous years just couldn't grant myself that same effect. It's something that will always stay close to my heart, being that it got me through my early adolescent years in ways that I can't even begin to describe, but branching away from that has just provided me with worlds of other discoveries. It's not that I'm "growing up" necessarily, more so that I'm continuously seeking better ways to define myself.

Anyway, I suppose this was a long definition to a random question. I just felt like I needed to work through that idea.